ABC and THE D
by izzymarie
Summary: After the Edward Fiasco, Bella Swan thought she'd gotten through the worst. When a woman knocks down on their door at 2am to drop off her Dad's byproduct of a drunken one night stand, Edward and Bella's world are about to get a helluva lot more complications. "Bella?" Edward said, his eyes widening comically. "I don't know how to change a diaper." OOC, Post-NM. See ya!
1. Chapter 1

**Hi. Uhm, so yeah I think I've got some 'splainin to do.**

 **This story is basically my revision of Baby Bubbly Blues. I put a lot of thought into it and I'm not sure if I'll be continuing that version. I've chosen not to pull it cause I don't think it's fair to the people who've read it and stuck by it which is ridiculous considering the fact that I just basically said I was discontinuing it but it's been years since I've attempted to write a chapter of it, really and I'm not sure I remember why I wrote it in the first place or where I was going with it. Honestly, I'm not even sure if I created a concrete plot for it.**

 **So here goes nothing. Please note that I do not, in any way or capacity own any recognizable content from the Twilight series. I merely mess with Stephenie Meyer's crafts. It's really fun, you should try it out. :)**

 **Please also note that this story is pure and utter humor. I'll try to avoid angst as much as possible. Thanks and I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

I whimpered in exhilaration as his mouth ghosted over my neck.

"Mmm," He hummed on my skin, my stomach clenching in anticipation as his lips dipped lower… and lower… and lower...

"What are you doing?" I giggled.

"I'm tasting." He groaned. A shudder ripped through my body at his words.

 _Tasting._

A loud gasp sounded in the room as my eyes rolled back into my head. "You have to warn me when you're gonna do something like…" A sharp pant stopped my words as his tongue rolled over a sensitive spot on my hip crease. " _That_."

Deep chuckles rumbled over my abdomen, creating the most wonderful friction. "What?" He whispered. "This?" I giggled, fisting my fingers in his hair to guide his mouth back to mine.

With a wicked gleam in my eye, I ran my hands down his chest and slid from underneath him. I straddled his hips and bent down to close my lips over his, his right hand gripping my hip as his left slid up with one of mine.

"Bella," he whispered reverently. I angled myself above his hips as his searched mine out.

His eyes slid shut as I started to lower myself, bending my upper torso to kiss him.

"Bella…" My chest touched his.

"Bella.." Our lips moved swiftly against each other.

"Bella," He gasped sharply as we touched.

"Bella!" He shouted, his closed eyes flying open in alarm.

"What?" I replied in confusion, jerking away.

"Bella!" He repeated as a painting that hung from my wall fell on the ground.

"What the hell is going on?!" I tried to move away from him but my legs seemed to have frozen in place, keeping me locked above his body as the world around me started to shake and fall apart. The bed rocked to the movements and soon I was there along with it. The shaking started from my toes, working its way up to my body. "Bella!"

"What?!" I gasped as I shot up from bed, fully clothed to my utter, _utter_ disappointment.

"Bella," he repeated softly. I looked at the foot of my bed where Edward Cullen sat, his hair in disarray, his moonlit features urgent and his hand on my foot, shaking it lightly.

 _So that's what it was._

I groaned and fell back in bed, covering my face with my hands, willing my heart to slow down.

 _It was all a dream_ , I realized.

I resisted the urge to pitch a fit like a child.

 _Of course it was just a dream, stupid. Did you really think Edward Cullen would do_ _ **that**_ _with his_ _ **tongue**_ _?_

 _On_ _ **you**_ _?_

Mother of adojjdfjdks.

I let out a huge breath in an attempt to calm myself.

"Are you okay?" Edward stood up and sat down beside me, touching my shoulder lightly.

"Fine." I mumbled through my hands before dragging it down to stare at him.

"I'm fine." I repeated with a forced smile. It wasn't even a smile meant to convince him that I was fine. It was more of a smile/grimace to express my unreasonable displeasure in a passive-aggressive manner.

"You didn't sound fine." He said skeptically.

 _Well, I was about to rock your world when fate's twisted sense of humor got to me first. So…_

"I'm okay." I replied. "What's going on, is everything alright?" I sat back up, glancing at the glowing clock on my bed side table, looking back to Edward before doubling back to the numbers.

"It's 2:30." I stated dumbly.

"Err, yes." Edward started, bringing my attention back to him. "I'm sorry but there's something going on."

"Right now?"

"Right now." He confirmed.

"At 2:30?" I clarified.

"2:30, yes." He repeated.

"AM?" I couldn't stress enough how crucial the AM part is here.

"Yes." He said.

I stared at him for a whole minute before asking if it couldn't wait till later.

"No." He stated matter-of-factly. I whimpered in defeat. "Okay. What's going on? Lay it on me." _I_ _ **really**_ _wish you'd lay it on me._ "Did an alien life form make contact with NASA? Are they gonna invade the Earth? Are we about to be abducted? What?" I snapped in annoyance, wanting to get it over with so I could transform back to dream Bella.

She seem to be the one having all the fun.

"There's a woman on your doorstep with a baby, trying to work up the nerve to knock to leave it here." He blurted out, his expression bothered, seemingly responding to my ire.

As his words sink, I'm not sure what my face looks like but I swear I can feel it trying to find an appropriate expression to settle into. Unfortunately for whatever part of my brain is responsible for facial expressions, my darling boyfriend wasn't done. "She claims that it's Charlie's."

Holy mother of dot, dot, dot.

"Are you serious?" I whispered sharply, as if there was someone in the room who could overhear.

One look at Edward's face was enough to see how deadly serious he was and that was enough to dry up my libido. As it were, a solemn nod from him was all it took for my mind to race and my head to spin.

"Is she gonna knock?" I asked urgently. "Is there a way that she's mistaken?"

This is ridiculous.

I know I said that Forks is a boring shithole but this wasn't what I meant when I said I wanted some excitement.

Apart from the things that go bump in the night walking among us dear humans, of course.

"She's pretty sure." Edward informed me, as if he were talking about the weather and not the fact that _holy moly_ , the Chief most likely _got_ _ **some**_.

I shuddered just thinking that sentence.

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I felt a ripple run through Edward's frame, his mouth twisting in a beautiful grimace.

Jeez, I can't seem to stop perving at him.

"Ugh, now she's remembering." He trembled.

 _Somebody shoot me now, please._

Edward's head tilted to side and his eyes squinted as he continued with his commentary. "Oh," He gasped in surprise.

"What?" I panicked. "What is it?" Panicking really seems like the only option now. It's not like I can pull a Genie out of my lamp and wish her away.

"I didn't know the Chief could be so…" He drifted off as his eyes widened into saucers.

 _What?! Hell friggin' no._

"Okay, stop." I fluttered my hands around, my face twisting and heating up, not knowing how to express my disgust.

Just _**ew**_ _._

On the bright side, my disgust seemed to have snapped him out of it somewhat. He was continuously—and hopefully, unconsciously—squinting his eyes in random intervals, though.

I do not want to know.

"She's gonna knock now," The pervy vampire to my right finally said something that didn't make me want me to bleach my brain.

Maybe just shoot it out but no bleaching.

I held my breath in anticipation, hoping that Charlie wasn't sleeping like the dead tonight cause there ain't no way in hell am I gonna open that door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Three knocks rapped at the front door.

It was very silent but it was enough to send my head into a tailspin.

"Should I go down there?" I asked Edward uncertainly. "I don't want to go down there, maybe you should go." I backtracked, biting my fingers.

"Yeah, that's a good idea, you should go." I decided, patting Edward on his perfectly sculpted man chest and I can honestly say that I patted it a few more times to make sure he was paying attention to me and not to feel how incredible his muscles were.

His chuckle broke me through my nervous breakdown as the knocks continued to disturb my peace.

"No need. Charlie just woke up."

"Should I stop him?" I said, panicking.

I heard his bedroom door creak open and his heavy steps padded down the stairs sluggishly.

"I should stop him, shouldn't I? I mean, she's probably just insane. This could be nothing." This woman was about to change everything and if I find out that she disturbed my sex dream for nothing, I'm gonna kick her ass, Ninja Turtle style.

"Calm down, love." He comforted as he pulled me into his lap. He pulled my fingers away from my teeth that I didn't even realize I restarted nibbling on it.

I'm gonna have a sibling.

Who is 18 years friggin younger than me.

I can't be a big sister, not now.

Charlie can't have another kid, he's too old or busy.

Or something.

It just can't happen.

"Oh God, I'm gonna be a sister." I'm also gonna throw up but I don't think I need to tell him that yet.

"It's still yet to be proven, calm down." He repeated, hugging me tighter.

"I'm going insane." I said, standing up to pace. My legs were starting to get jittery and if I don't walk it off, I'm gonna end up kicking Edward.

"I'm gonna end up crazy."

Okay, so maybe having a kid sibling isn't such a bad thing.

I mean, I did always want to have a sibling.

An older one but who cares, right?

I'm also 18, going off to College, about to start the rest of my life. Or my un-life in Bloodsuckers University.

Who knows, I might get my degree in Psychology in four years. Or Vegetarianism…?

Anyway, the point is I have approximately less than a year to get to know my sibling.

And help Charlie adjust.

And help Charlie, period

"Edward," I said, calling his attention. "Would you still love me if I'm crazy?" I asked sincerely, reaching out my hands to his as I heard raised voices and a cry coming from below.

"I wouldn't have it any other way, love." He smiled beautifully, pulling me into his embrace as he stood up.

"Did you just call me crazy?" I mumbled in his shirt.

The resounding chuckle warmed me and kept me company against my racing thoughts.

"Of course not, love."

"Good." I said, tightening my hands around him as the voices grew louder.

I sighed loudly in resignation. "I have to get down there now, shouldn't I?" I asked.

"Yes," He replied swiftly. "Are you eavesdropping?" I questioned, trying to stall.

"Yes." He answered back, untangling himself from my clingy, clingy arms. I probably looked like a monkey with the way my arms stretched out with his retreating body.

"Are you gonna tell me what's going on?" I asked hopefully.

Edward fell back on my bed and crossed his arms behind his back before shutting his eyes and not answering.

"Fine, then." I huffed, tugging up my tank strap as if readying for battle. A smile creeped its way to Edward's face as he heard me.

"Just so you know," I started, heading to the door of my bedroom. "If this ends badly, I'm blaming you."

I walked swiftly down the stairs, hoping that I looked as calm and annoyed as I appeared.

I'm pretty sure I only pinned one down and I'm also certain it wasn't calm.

"Dad?" I called out as I stepped off the last step just in time to see the woman's tail lights swing around. "What's going on?"

My father appeared to be frozen on the porch step, looking very much like he's about to have an aneurysm. _Please dear Lord, no. I was fired from my first stint at babysitting. If Charlie collapses, I'm gonna run and hide._

"Dad?" I said carefully.

Oh dear.

The Chief of Police turned to look at me with a kid in his arms.

I don't think a paternity test is necessary anymore because the baby my dad is holding looked like me back in 1987.

With wide eyes, I asked my dad the one thing that I've been dying to ask this whole time.

"Dad, what did you do?


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to everyone who followed, reviewed, and favorite'd.**

 **Your support made my day. :)**

 **R &R and please, guys, keep it clean (I'm looking at you, ButTFuck68).**

~oOo~

 **Chapter 3**

It was stupid. Dad knew it was stupid. I knew it was stupid but he pushed it on me anyway.

"Dad," I started, taking a huge gulp of the beer he gave me. "You're telling me that you don't _think_ she's your daughter because you thing you wore protection the night you met her mom." I shuddered when I said the word protection. He's my dad, that's just gross.

"Yes." He responded, sloppily nodding his head. His eyes looked a little unfocused, I think he might've had way too much Vitamin R to keep him lucid.

"Dad, maybe you should go to bed. We can talk about this tomorrow cause honestly, you're not making a whole lot of sense right now." I said, standing up and taking the baby from her place on the couch.

Really, she looked so much like me, it freaked me out a little. I had no doubt in my mind that she was my sister but apparently my Dad was stubborn in his denial. Can't say I blame him. Two unplanned spawn will probably do that to you.

"Look, I'll take _her_ —"

"Sylvia. Her name's Sylvia." Dad grunted as he heaved himself up from the couch.

"Okay, I'll take _Sylvia_ to the Cullens' tomorrow so that Esme can look after her while you work and then after, you and I will talk." I said as I looked at him. He looked a little worse for the wear. "Properly."

"You sure they won't mind?"

"I'll call ahead." I replied. "Where is she gonna sleep? No offense Dad, you're a little drunk. Maybe you have like a bassinet somewhere so you won't roll over on her."

"Yeah, I think I might have something." He said, clambering up the stairs while scratching his head. As I was busy conversing with my half it father, I didn't realize that the little girl was awake. Her wide eyes looked at me intently as if she knew that I knew something she didn't. I'm actually surprised that she didn't start crying bloody murder the moment she saw me. I'm not sure what her mom looks like but I'm pretty sure I didn't look anything like her if my Dad's description had anything to say about it. Except maybe for the hair color.

Apparently, my sister's baby momma was a brunette, tall, green-eyed, and tan. He said that he met her at a convention in Seattle for Chief of Polices in the immediate area. It had been a huge turnout where they discussed strategies and development for their respective home grounds. She had been a waitress in the hotel they were staying at and he ended up asking her out for a drink. Dad said that he thought why shouldn't he try to move on when my mom clearly had. He said that the lady—Maria—had seemed nice enough and they apparently had hit it off which was why they ended up doing the nasty a few hours later only to result in their ways parting as the girl apparently had a boyfriend. My Dad looked absolutely stricken as he recounted his story for me. I felt really bad for him. I could see that he felt guilty for having relations with a committed woman. My dad was a good guy but really, he was always shit outta luck when it comes to prospects. I believe that's why he's having a hard time accepting the fact the had another daughter. It didn't have to do anything with the sweet little girl in my arms. It's the vile woman who tricked him that he had trouble dealing with. Maybe I can have Edward track her down so I can scalp her.

"You're not so bad, are you kid?" I said to her, cuddling her a little closer. My parents might not have been together while I grew up but both of them loved me fiercely. Sylvia cooed, burrowing her face into my neck.

"What d'you think about taking over my room when I leave, huh? Just don't go putting up Justin Bieber posters or I'll take away your favorite teddy." I continued to talk to her, rocking her as I tried to put her back to sleep. She'd been at a crying jag ever since her mom left and had only calmed down enough to sleep when she had managed to tire herself out. I felt a surge of anger work its way up to me as I thought about her mom, if I can even call her that but at the same time I couldn't help but be thankful that she decided to give her to my dad when she was still young and not when she could've been mentally and emotionally scarred by being abandoned. A twinge of guilt poked me for my thoughts.

"I got it, Bells." Dad said suddenly, making me jump and Sylvia startle. Her grip on my hair started to tighten and soon she started yanking on it as she gave her little lungs a hell of a workout. Me, on the other hand couldn't do anything but yelp in pain as I tried my best to extricate her death grip on my poor, poor hair. "Motherfucking dammit! Ouch!" I hissed as she continued to yank.

"Dad, take her!" He took Sylvia from me as she continued to scream bloody murder while using my hair as reins. Cursing under my breath, I carefully tried to pry her hands open to remove the chunk that she was holding hostage. I managed to get my hair out of her chubby little devil hands then cuddled it, apologizing for the mistreatment it suffered.

I looked longingly at the hair that Sylvia managed to yank from my roots, thinking about the years I spent trying to grow it out.

"What happened?" Dad asked, dazed. I don't think he realized that with two girls, he'd have to put up with hair pulling and trash talk.

"You startled her." I said simply. "I'm gonna go to bed."

Once safely in my room, I saw Edward lying on my bed with his inviting arms.

I plopped down in his embrace, burying my head in the crook of his neck as I let out a huge breath.

"You okay?" He inquired, kissing my head and hugging me to him.

"No," I said, my reply muffled by his skin. "My head hurts." He touched the part where my sister attempted to uproot my hair and chuckled. "It's not so bad," He replied.

"It hurts."

"Then I'm sorry you got hurt." He said, kissing it.

After a moment of silence, I turned around to stare at the ceiling.

"Did you call Esme?" Knowing that he heard my plan, I figured he would call Esme to tell her.

"Yes." He said simply.

"You wanna talk about it?" Edward finally asked, his fingers tracing a circuit up my arm.

"No, yes, I don't know." I moaned. "I don't think there's anything to talk about. I have a sister, end of story."

"I don't think it's that easy." He countered, challenging me as always. He just couldn't leave well enough alone, this man.

"Of course, it's not. I have a _sister_." I said, rolling my eyes. What of this is easy? This just made everything a whole lot more complicated but I wasn't about to turn her away. She's a kid and I'm an adult. There isn't any jealousy to deal with seeing as I finished my time with my dad. Although this whole situation just made everything more complicated, I'm glad that he has someone to be with when I leave.

"It changes everything," He agreed. I stiffened at the tone of his voice. It's not a secret that he wholeheartedly contends my decision to be one of his kind but I didn't want him to use my family as a weapon against me.

"Please don't start." I said, my tone hard.

"I won't." He said in an innocent voice. One that I have come to distrust. I knew of his patience and I knew that it would come up again soon but for now, it wouldn't do any good to fight with him.

"Go to sleep," He said. "We can talk about this tomorrow."

My eyes fell as the sun rose and Edward slipped out with a tender kiss.

I knew I wouldn't have enough strength to muster to attend classes so I seized the moment and lost myself to my tiring night.

…

I wasn't kidding when I said I was gonna seize the moment.

I woke up to a puddle and my hair sticking to my cheek in a crusted mess.

I wiped at my face, feeling extremely grossed out.

In a daze, I noticed that it was almost noon if my bedroom clock served me right and I missed half the day. Dad is probably at the station now, Edward and the family is probably stuck with their wasted food looking bored out of their friggin minds while the rest of the highschool goers prattled on and on about things that Edward swears up and down are banal and mundane but to be honest, I think my vampire is a snobbish, uppity, jackass.

As I went through my morning, err, afternoon routine, I wondered what fantastic food I could whip up in my kitchen. This day is a day of celebration because I wouldn't be subjected to horrible cafeteria food. I should eat like a king before I take Sylvia to the Cullens.

As the thought registered, my mouth ejected my toothbrush as it fell open in shock. I hastily rinsed out my mouth then ran through rooms, calling out Sylvia's name, scared out of my wits.

I can't believe Dad didn't wake me up, she's most likely starving to death. I wanted to bang my head to the nearest wall as I cursed myself.

"Sylvia!" I called out as I ran down the stairs. I flitted to the living room frantically. Seeing no sign of her I ran to the next room. I stopped my crazy search the moment I took in the scene before me.

Dad was in his flannels, apparently foregoing work as he tried to feed Sylvia white mush. What sent my head into a tailspin was the fact that Charlie was feeding his daughter some really gross looking shit while _Edward friggin Cullen_ held my sister in his arms, telling her what a good girl she is for finishing her food.

What?

~oOo~

 **Sorry it took a long time to post this. Hope you enjoyed! Next chapter'll be Sylvia's trip to the Cullens. Now what could possibly go wrong? R &R and thanks for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"Hey." Edward beamed, turning to look at me while my Dad continued to food poison my sister.

"Hey," I repeated back to him. I ran my hands over my hair, trying to smooth it out as much I could after the epic sleep I had. "What's going on?"

"Hey, Bells." Dad finally gave up on feeding Sylvia as she flailed her head in what I presume as a desperate attempt to save herself from my dad's cooking. "Edward cooked lunch. It's in the microwave. Don't worry 'bout me, I already ate."

I entered the kitchen, kissing my dad on the cheek on my way to the counter. "Hello to you, little girl." I cooed at the hair-puller as Edward passed me to her. He took my food out of the microwave and placed a healthy serving of rice on the side. My mouth watered at the sight of my domestic vampire.

My domestic vampire who cooks.

And takes care of babies.

 _Damn_.

"That looks amazing." I said, kissing him and passing little sister back to him. He pulled out a chair for me so I could properly scarf down the chicken with mozzarella and marinara sauce. Like a lady, of course.

"So, what's going on? Why aren't you both off doing things that you usually do?" I asked as I shoveled a helping in my mouth like a proper princess.

"I figured you would be tired after last night so I took the morning off. I'm due after lunch. Edward here though, skipped school." Dad said, giving my boyfriend the stink eye.

"In my defense, I called my parents and filled them in on what happened. I thought Bella would need the extra support." He said winningly as he tried his best to wipe away at my sister's saliva dripping from her tiny, tiny mouth.

"Yeah, I don't like it." Charlie grumbled from his place across my seat. "If I find out that you started skipping school, I'm placing you back in house arrest." He directed at me.

"Sthir, yesth, sthir." I replied mockingly in my best Donald Duck, snapping a salute at him. Charlie rolled his eyes at me. "You'll be heading off to the Cullens when I leave?"

"Yeah, Dad." I replied. I stood up to clear my plate. "I'll just take a shower beforehand, okay?" I said to Edward. After I've cleaned myself, I went back downstairs to find my dad missing. "The perpetual bachelor already left?" I asked Edward as I tied my hair up into a ponytail. He had Sylvia cuddled to his chest with a towel slung over his shoulder. Really, men, this is what it's all about. Take notes.

"Yep," Edward replied. "Coward." I quipped. It was gonna be a harmless talk, it's not like I was planning on reenacting the Spanish Inquisition with him.

"You all set?" Edward hoisted a diaper bag my Dad probably prepared over his other shoulder. I nodded imperceptibly, still a tad bit irked at my Charlie. I followed Sylvia and Edward outside and into the Volvo with a scowl on my face. Edward gave me Sylvia and I instinctively grimaced. Edward let out a little chuckle. "Sorry," he said, sounding quite the opposite of sorry. "I'm sure Alice already ordered a car seat for her."

I was about to say that she didn't have to do that when I thought better of it. Really, what did I expect? At least her incessant spending helped the world spin around. "Yeah, we better hope that that's all she bought." I muttered under my breath. Soon, we were pulling into the Cullen driveway and walking up the steps. From there, I could hear the chaos that would soon greet us which probably explained why Edward looked so cross as we came closer to the house. He and I exchanged a look and I braced myself for the ensuing madness.

Let me tell you this, nothing short of a divine intervention could've prepared anybody for the scene before me. As we stepped foot into the house, I had to work carefully to navigate the floors. Edward grabbed me as I slipped from a stray plastic that littered the hardwood floors. "This place looks like a baby store exploded in here." I said in absolute horror. The Cullen living room looked like an unmitigated disaster. Truly. There were boxes upon boxes—opened and unopened, alike, pieces of paper scraps, torn plastic, tools and spare parts lying on the ground.

"Oh! They're here!" Alice exclaimed, chipper. "I told you, you should've read the directions properly! Now the surprise is ruined!" She screamed at Emmett, throwing a steel wrench on his head which hit with a clank and bounced towards Carlisle who looked deep in thought as he sat on the floor in front of what looked like cherry wood pieces with holes in it. Just in time, he held out his hand and caught the thing before zipping towards Jasper who was in the same predicament but with white panels of wood. Carlisle plucked the screw driver from Jasper's poised hand then returned to his own work. "Hey!" Jasper exclaimed.

"Oookay." I said, totally weirded out. "What's going on?" I asked loudly, halting them from their work. Apparently, I wasn't important enough to be warranted an answer as Alice, Jasper and Emmett looked at me for a split second before returning to their clamoring. Only Carlisle stood up to give me a kiss on the cheek and greet Edward. "Why aren't you at work?" I asked politely, shifting Sylvia who looked as stunned as I did when I first met the Cullens. Carlisle greeted Sylvia in a voice that I never heard from him before. He was… cooing? Baby-talking? Crazy-speaking? Jasper took his moment of distraction to steal back his screw driver.

"Alice's orders. Apparently we were needed here for this little girl." He replied in the same weird up-down tone people uses to speak with babies.

I laughed nervously and sat down on the couch with Edward… Wait, where's Edward? "Where's Edward?" I asked as Carlisle continued to ignore me. Really, that's just rude. I used to be the favorite.

"No, you idiot! It doesn't fit there, read the damn instructions, why don't you?" Edward said loudly at Jasper, yanking the friggin screw driver from his fingers. Jasper looked ticked off. Can't say I blame him. He looked at that screw driver like it was Alice's boobs.

"Why don't you go coo over the baby like Mr. Mom over there and let us real men take care of this, okay?" He said sarcastically, taking the tool back from Edward. "I'll show you real men," Edward muttered with a crazy glint in his eyes. A startled gasp escaped me as he sprung at Jasper, effectively crushing the wood pieces that I now conclude as cabinet parts. Beside me, Carlisle gave an exasperated sigh in response to his hundred-something children's actions and let forth the most ear-piercing whistle I've ever heard in my life while Alice pried the two off of each other by their hairs. "Listen," Carlisle announced. "I'd rather not face the ire of my wife so let's keep this clean and do it quick. Thank you." He finished placidly. "Children," he stage-whispered to me. I nodded in faux camaraderie, as if I completely sympathized with raising man-children in the exact same time that the baby disappeared from my arms. "Holy shhh—" I was cut off by a hand muffling my speech and a cooing voice speaking over me. "Pipe down, dear, you wouldn't want your sister to inherit your pirate mouth, now do you?" With Esme's palm still obstructing my airway, all I could do was shake my head dumbly. "Good," she continued, still in her deceiving sweet voice as she nuzzled my baby sister. "Now, if everybody could mind their language, we'd have no problem." She ended, finally dropping her hand and whisking Sylvia away with the diaper bag. A whimper escaped me. Frankly, Esme scared me more than any vampire I've ever come across; yes, even her teething son, Jasper was no match against sweet, motherly Esme Cullen.

"She's crazy." Emmett said in his best Wolowitz voice. I laughed then dropped next to him and his creation. "Whatcha doin, tough guy?"

"I'm on baby-proof duty," he replied. "So, I'm creating a baby gate."

"Huh," What'd you know? Vampires can be idiots. "Wouldn't it be easier to buy one though…?" I asked in a you're not stupid, please don't cry voice. "Yeah, but where's the fun in that?" He continued. "I spent all night looking up DIYs, please don't ruin my fun." He said flatly as I opened my mouth to argue. I quickly clammed it shut and proceeded to commend him on his work. "I'll just go bother someone else." I said, standing up. "That might be a good idea." He said jokingly.

"Hey," I exclaimed jovially. "No." Edward said before I could get a word out. "Rude." I huffed, moving on to Alice and leaving him with his manly shit with Jasper. I hope he remembers that when he 'accidentally' grazes my ass with his hand. Victorian, my ass. "Hi, Alice." I said to the back of her head. "Err, that's an awfully large paper." I commented stupidly, pulling out a chair beside her. Her elfin features were taught in concentration as she drew a series of lines on one paper and scribbled a few words on a notebook nearby. In fact, she was so concentrated, venom slipped from her mouth and sizzled when it hit the paper. Just kidding. But that would've been cooler than her wiping it with the back of her hand like a pre-schooler. "Alice!" I shouted, banging my hand on the table loudly. "What?" She exclaimed, flashing her angry, laser eyes at me. "Whatcha doin?" I replied sweetly. "Are you fudgin…" She gritted out, narrowing her eyes at me. "What? I just wanted to see if I can help." I smiled innocently at her even going as far as batting my eyelashes. "You want to help?" She yelled, slamming the pencil back on the table, breaking it in half. "Fine! Help!" She exclaimed, dramatically throwing her hands out. I might've had to do a neat Matrix-like move in my seat to dodge her flailing hands. Spazz. "Tell me what kids like for their room when they grow up!"

"Oh, that's easy," I said, pausing dramatically and shooting her a come hither look. "Balls." I said finally with an excited smile. Really, I've wanted this my whole life and if Alice is willing to fund it for me—ehem, Sylvia, then I'll help her all she wants.

A booming laugh started in the living room. Emmett, the childish perv that he is called out, "Alice meant what Sylvia wants, not you." He laughed loudly, that dumbass. "Hey, Edward! She wants balls!" I imagined his overweight ass rolling on the floor, destroying his precious DIY while a piano fell on his head, loony toon style.

"Hey, Emmett!" I screamed, shooting out of my chair. "Why don't you take your balls and shove it up your a—" My eyes widened as another hand—for the second time in ten minutes—clamped itself around my mouth. "Shh." Alice said in my ear. She gestured up where Esme was standing on top of the stairs with Sylvia hoisted on her hips. Esme's eyes were looking over at each of us like a warden. After a sufficient amount of crazy eyes had been unleashed upon us, she turned and went into her torture room. From here, I could see Carlisle looking at his wife lasciviously. I shuddered as an image of Esme whipping Carlisle into submission flashed through my mind. Gross. "Thanks," I whispered to her when it seemed like everything was clear. I looked around me to see everyone pretending to work hard with shifty eyes. Except for the Cullen patriarch. Ew.

"So…" Alice said. "Balls?" We looked at each other blankly for a split second before bursting into giggles like little children.

 **Thanks so much to everyone who read, reviewed, favorite'd, and followed! Hopefully you enjoyed this chapter. You should know that this story is full of fluff and childish idiocy though it does have a plot. Thanks again! :)**


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